Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
