There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
