I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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