The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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