On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
