she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
