You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
