somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
