god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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