Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
