totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You pole danced in your parka.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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