if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
