I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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