I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
