I just saw a hot homeless man
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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