I have demons in me.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
