Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
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Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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