Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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