Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
