OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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