what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
