I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
