Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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