Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
40s are totally the cure
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
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