Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
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Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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