And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
