I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
