I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
