i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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