I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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