I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
