normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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