Your dad touched me again.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
