he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
