You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
