my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i used baking grease as lip gloss
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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