I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
