so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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