Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
