my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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