I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
