i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i out mim tonsoeep
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