I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
this boner is exhausting
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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