god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
