I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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