i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
