I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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