The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
