Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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