I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I want to fling myself into the sun
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
