it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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