Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
