First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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