thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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