finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
