I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
