I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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