Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
