did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
