you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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