I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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